Saturday, December 18, 2010

I Can Hear the Music


Thank you everyone (and to those of you who have emailed me privately) for your comments and encouragements on our current situation.  All of your notes have been very sweet and I hold them dear.

And to answer some questions...

No, our [biological] children did not get taken from us, but the boys that we were so hoping to adopt, in just a matter of months have been.  They were already, at heart, our boys.
The eleven year old girl that lived with us complained (about the way we live and what we expect) and made a steep allegation against us and to "be safe" they removed each and every one of the children from our home.  Nothing like being guilty until proven innocent .  Her mother was just recently was released from jail and she had her first visit this past week.  The only thing we can figure is - in her mind - she thought "if I'm not with them, they'll put me back with my mom...".  Which is not the way it works....

In any case we are back down to our two children.  The house is morbidly quiet.  Daniel has Christmas music playing in the background - the strange thing is that I can actually hear all the words.

Yesterday was a very emotional day for the entire family.  Many tears were shed by all and many words sent-up in prayer and lamentation.  At the end of it all, quite late last night (or very early this morning) Daniel and I were talking and made a conscious decision -
We are STILL blessed beyond belief with the two children we [already] have.  Two beautiful, healthy, smart, and fun daughters that - with all they are - glorify our Lord and Savior.  We are abundantly proud of them.  And although sadness and mourning seemed to reign yesterday throughout our home - life has/will go on.  And if we (Daniel and I) remain constant basket cases because two children, that we've known for four months, were taken away from us, that will most definitely communicate they were, in fact, more important to us than the two we still have.  Yes, we have, indeed, lost two little people that we loved more than we could have ever possibly imagined, but there is absolutely nothing we can do about the situation.  And tears along with words of anger, hurt, or even remorse will not take back the words (lies) that escaped the lips of that lost little girl that sits in yet, another, foster home - wishing she was back with her mother.

And then another thought occurred to us -

The love we are feeling must be the love of Christ.  In the same way that God so loved the world (even before they became His children), we loved those boys.  And although I commit sin daily, He still loves me.  Regardless the lack of loyalty it seems that I may exhibit toward the One that we celebrate this season, He still loves me.  And each and every night, I lay me down to sleep and He never fails to give me a hug goodnight - forgiving me for what I've done throughout the day.  And just as we've been standing in the gap, each night, for those children - He too stands in the gap for us - knowing full-well our hearts.

And a decision of forgiveness must be made, in heart (by all), and rely on the simple fact - God is in control and already knows what comes next.

And most definitely, I will find what I've been so seeking for some time now -














Lord, 
Heal our hearts and help us find
what we should be doing next.
Thank you for your constant
and unconditional Grace that I
can be me and you still love me.
Amen.

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